Odds are you just like the feeling of being bound and the rubbing sensation of the rope against your skin. You probably enjoy the bit of pain that comes from it, and the extra boost of endorphin that rush to you brain probably make it even more enjoyable for you.
I don't think u really want the truth but ill give it anyway. You are allowing yourself to be controlled by circumstances instead of you controlling them. Instead of hurting the feeling of s feels good to you. You have serious issues and u turn good to bad and bad to good. Face reality and you need to confront God to show you the truth.